#kind of went insane about them tbqh

[zorkaya-moved]

" i’m scared of ending up alone. " elin having a moment after too many wine bottles probably

@avaere

Didn't they speak of how jealous others were of their independence? It seems no matter what they do, they cannot win. Or maybe, this is payment for their freedom and independence in the world that cannot handle such existences as them. As they lay sit on the couch, Zarina's hand is wrapped around her friend's waist, keeping the brunette close to herself and letting her hide her flushed face into the crook of her neck. This closeness isn't something she denies or pushes away, she welcomes it, actually. Elin brings a sense of normalcy not many let her relish in, a friendship born from circumstances and surprises she'll keep a treasured memory in her mind.

They smoke, they drink, they discuss their lives. They act like they don't have a life outside this, a life where they don't exist yet or don't dive into yet. A side to themselves they don't yet show, but they are comfortable. Well, Zarina is comfortable in this state. It makes her breathe easier, but she notices how she doesn't sense much changes in her state. Tipsiness remains but she isn't drunk enough to ramble, instead remaining quieter while keeping Elin close. Her body is still colder than her friend's, the brunette feels so warm and Sokolova wants to cuddle against her. Both out of safety and out of comfort alongside the body heat. But she needs to ensure the woman next to her doesn't throw up after drinking so much.

They are the envied ones, they are the ones who other women and men get jealous of. They gleam like stars and they drive themselves into melancholy when the lights are off and they understand that life is a shitty place, but they still find nice things in it. Fairness to those who they deem worthy.

"Maybe I should let you meet my team..." The woman thinks out loud, thinking about the men and women on her team that might catch Elin's attention. Then again, it's not something she enforce. It's just a possibility to see if maybe they'd be good friends too. They're always traveling, though. Busy and not, all depending on the season and when deals must be checked and improved. Zarina hugs Elin closer, leaning her head against the other's and closing her eyes. "I'm scared of that, too."

She admits her concerns in a whisper, knowing all too well that she'd let go of those she cares about if it means their happiness. The world she lives in is a dangerous one, from weapons to drugs to extortion to blood spilled. Arms dealers aren't living the dream life despite richness and luxury, there is a never-ending threat but that's why she relaxes against Elin. In her company, the silverette can drop down the guard for a moment. They can be just two women in a world that continues to roll, not caring who it will kill and who it will give a road to. Corpses of the struggling will give path to those who abuse and kill. Such an unfair world, but they live in it and they can find something good in it. Right?

"Well, I'll keep you company if you keep me company when we're both lonely and sad. If I'm not on a business trip, I'll come over to..." She stops for a moment, thinking about all possibilities. Maybe one day her 'business trip' will end up with a bullet in her head and she won't be back at all. "...to hang around, poke fun at you being such a sad wet cat." Zarina chuckles, not meaning the sarcastic nickname for this one moment. "If you want to rant, go ahead. I'm listening, Elin."

[banamine-bananime]

meets an encouraging, patient, fatherly commanding officer that chooses tucker specifically for an assignment and takes him under his wing. he’s actually a secret operative for a sinister military project recruiting tucker as a target practice guinea pig orchestrating the next couple years of his life to be a lie.

meets an alien that tells tucker he’ll help him fulfill the quest he’s the legendary hero of. he chestbursts him and steals a getaway vehicle given upon the “end” of the quest.

meets some weird computer program programmed by the culture the prophecy came from, pretty much the only remaining source of information about this “quest” that’s upended his life. it’s actually the ai of the freelancer trying to kill him and kidnap and use his kid to end the great war�� uh, with slavery of the alien species

meets one of his best friends, an acquired taste and kind of an ass, but they give each other as good as they get and they’re a team. she leaves them to make the plan to capture junior and use him to enslave his species succeed. and tucker feels like can’t even be mad about it without feeling guilty because in her mind she was sacrificing herself and junior to save humankind from a losing war for survival, and immediately after he thinks she fucking dies and takes his kid with her!! they were friends and then for a few minutes they were almost enemies because she did the worst thing for the best reasons and then that’s it!!! how do you even grieve and process that. apparently tucker opted for watching reservoir dogs instead of therapy and i can’t blame him. that’s not the sort of grief you can find a self-help book for. HELLO I’VE BEEN SCREAMING FOR YEARS. never over it they make me insane.

meet some humans on the desert dig-team, charismatic down-to-earth soldier guys. breath of fresh air after he’s been stuck for months in complicated political situations with a species that has just recently decided to perhaps not kill all humans, as a reluctant religious figurehead in diplomatic corps that i’m sure just loved his way with words and women. bet he made a lot of friends there. the dig team kills them all except him and he proceeds to spend the next months in a psychological thriller slash survival horror.

meet church again. church leaves again (and then again) and tucker’s left furiously picking up the pieces of blue team with caboose and some blond guy they rescued from the pound. we needn’t talk about that blond guy and whether tucker knows he both set up and hit the Original Church Killswitch lest tucker doesn’t know and hears us because i think he doesn’t need that extra complication in his life tbqh.

meets a charismatic mercenary with a rough exterior, but a heart of gold, right when tucker and caboose have lost all of blue team’s charismatic mercenaries and/or assholes with a rough exterior but a heart of gold. he. well. he stabs him in the back, guys. you know. i can’t get more on-the-nose than that.

meets church again. he seems like maybe he kind of gets that he was an ass and won’t go off killing himself this time. immediately after reconciling he sees the siren call of martyrdom and kills himself instantly after simulating several ways it could go very, very extremely badly for tucker, not even counting the previous evidence from how this went for some blond guy (sorry i’m committed to just calling him some blond guy in this post now for no reason except that i think it’s a mildly funny bit).

meets church someone else who’s been fucked over by project freelancer. he’s been manipulating them to get close enough to freezermurder their friends and implicate them in terrorism charges.

meets yet another young stray asshole with Issues and a heart of gold who needs some guidance, maybe someone he can be the kind of a leader he wishes he could have been to green team. she also stabs him again.

at some point we have to let tucker just start stabbing people. like a lot of people. i don’t think he’d enjoy a villain arc once he realizes that’s what’s happening but he deserves the sheer free joy and clarity of just solving problems with pure simple stabbing before he comes to that realization.

[decepti-thots]

for so long I have felt like a weirdo for thinking that the jro pregnancy stuff is deeply unhorny. but I am going to say it now: it's only horny in the way that the alien franchise is horny: there are definitely people who are horny about it, but it's primarily about the non-sexy aspects of pregnancy. i get that it's a funny joke but a non-insignificant people genuinely act like it's "the writer's barely disguised fetish". birth is weird and scary and fascinating, even more so in robots. im probably more defensive about this than I should be but it's kind of upsetting to me that this is where the discussion always ends

I'll put this under a cut so as not to spam anyone's dash bc yeah I went off on this ask haha (positive).

I actually felt so insane about this very topic I ran a damn poll on my NSFW sideblog and the thing is: the majority of folks voting agreed no, it's not inherently, textually horny. (I would know; I know horny when I see it, ffs!) Which vindicated me! Because I agree it's so ridiculous a thing to unironically, sincerely insist is super horny, given the text, lmao.

Like, it's extremely obsessed with pregnancy, but this is not the same as 'a fetish', and tbqh I think the 'fetish' joke just shields any actually interesting discussion of what it's doing. I think the Alien comparison here is actually really telling; it's absolutely a visceral thing, a thing concerned with the body and how it functions, sometimes against our will. And it's not unconnected to sexuality or eroticism in how those things are discussed more broadly, in the sense it's talking about a thing that intersects with those elements in the abstract, but it's not. Like. It's not a "fetish" thing, and if the characters it involved weren't referred to as 'he' in text I think less people would be calling it that, and actually it kinda sucks that every time I bring it up I have to block people who see 'pregnancy mentioned' on my completely sfw posts as an excuse to go off on their personal fetishes in detail, or their desire to speculate on the imagined fetishes of the writer in equally graphic detail. (BTW, it's genuinely uncomfortable seeing people obsessively speculate on the imagined fetishes of a creator, I think. We should all do that a little less in public.)

I mean not to be a total killjoy or anything but like... treating pregnancy in itself, even in the most abstract way, as inherently fetishistic and inappropriate (the people reblogging my innocuous posts about pregnancy metaphors with fucking trigger warnings! 'mpreg trigger warning' being a normalized way to tag pictures that are just Trans Dude Who Is Pregnant!) is uh. I mean we live in a world where pregnant people are often massively marginalized by society period, and seen as somehow inappropriate for public life, and especially anyone who is remotely GNC. Like the idea that something is inherently obscene about a pregnant person is, shall we say, not apolitical. It is in fact a thing that people actually have to fight against in real life. I mean. Fandom doing this to a text that in fact is most notable for treating pregnancy weirdly neutrally in these terms is... frustrating! I think we all lose out when we refuse to engage with weird, funny texts that have things to say about these topics that fall outside our expected frameworks, like, say, 'this is A Fetish TM'. That's limiting! If we want to talk about what IDW1 phase two does with gender, we cannot do that properly if every time we talk about MTMTE we get weird about it doing sexless genderfree pregnancy metaphors, and instead make them funny mpreg jokes, tbh! IDK! Seems counter intuitive! And I genuinely think MTMTE/LL's bizarre approach to the thing is so interesting precisely because it's so odd and offputting. What if we actually examined it. I think we can find some good stuff in there, frankly.

And truly the especially frustrating thing is that the comic itself, for all it is objectively weird and hilarious and 'why the fuck is this even HERE' about it... is just never that. Like. I posted those excerpts because it IS weird and it IS wild and it IS quite funny in its way! It's alien robot body horror in a kids' cartoon franchise turned to an unexpected end! But you know what it actually manages, somehow, to never be? One: weird and misogynist about pregnancy. Two: weird and transphobic about it involving vaguely, ostensibly 'male' characters. Make all the mpreg jokes you want I guess, but MTMTE is many bizarre things but it never gives one single shit about the gender binary, and tbh I think it's genuinely kind of embarrassing the fandom saw a comic that did insane robot body horror pregnancy shit and was like. Okay well. But the mpreg tho.

Like. I've joked for years that I want to do a transmasc read of the pregnancy stuff Roberts did in TF seriously, same as I think a transmasc read of how Alien presents fears around "male pregnancy" in a trans context would be great. And for all my jokes, I genuinely would, actually. I think it's legit very interesting how Roberts manages to divorce the presentation of horror of pregnancy from gender in a way that mitigates the gendered subtext somewhat and gets at the loss of autonomy in a broader sense.

anyway it truly sucks that fandom is so fucking shitty about this. to give a little extra context, i talk about a particular transmasc humanformer AU sometimes that involves pregnancy and. i have had to Delete Some Fucking Asks about that thing, which. well that happens in normal regular real life and people talk about it like a fanfic trope (derogatory). so. i am a little sensitive to people getting Like This about the topic, aha.

sorry i went off on one anon, can you tell. i also find this frustrating. i relate. i am totally with you. god it would be so much less interesting to read it as horny so like, why is this the ONLY MODE we seem to have tbh

[pxrxmoore]

\(★ω★)/

[faejilly]

I was tagged by @la-muerta​ & @facialteeth​ & @thedivinemissema​ for the WIP/Title Game

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

AND THEN  by @shadoedseptmbr​ @msviolacea​ & @ravenclawnerd​ for the “stories you want to write... but for some reason haven’t yet”

so this will be a mish-mash of both? The WIPs will mostly have blurbs in this case (to fit the second meme) but you are still welcome to ask follow-up questions, if you’d like ;) Assuming you make it through the list, it is uh. Not Short.

Anyone who would like to play with their WIPs, please consider yourself tagged in either or both of these. :D

Misc Fic Folder:

“untitled document” - where I’m working on fictober fills so I have word-counts for my GYWO tracker. I am not working on these because Brains Are Dumb and also Going Back To Work Is Exhausting

I made a file called “YULETIDE!” which has nothing in it but I’m determined to finish this year so that is definitely technically a thing in the Unending WIP List of Doom worth mentioning. (Tho obviously that’s all I could say even if I had started, because anonymous.)

“coda-fics, rewatch!” -yes, that exclamation mark is important! it’s to keep me motivated! (it didn’t work). Much like untitled, this is for putting stuff so I can do word count tracking even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Currently I think it just says “MARYSE” because I was working on my SH 1x6 coda-fic and then got distracted and haven’t typed anything up yet. (Yay notebooks? Boo notebooks? Not even sure at this point.)

WNIP (works not in progress) Folder:

“TOG” - I had one vivid mental image of how Nicky & Joe met (blood-stained evil smiles?) but then no idea for a follow-up story and also the fandom is insane and I’m not sure I want to deal with all of *gestures vaguely* all that

“Shan Xia Notes” -for a TTRPG that never quite got off the ground; she was a semi-tragic selkie who was still in love with the evil queen/lady who stole her skin and I got to play her for like one session and she was surprisingly chaotic neutral, which wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting. But the game never really got off the ground, so I never had enough info to really delve into writing backstory fic

“post-Kruschev” -Kruschev’s List was the last episode of Scarecrow & Mrs King, and I was debating writing an epilogue in place of the s5 we never got, to try and tie up some loose ends, but the fandom’s three old-ladies in trench coats and I never quite worked up the gumption to get it anywhere

“Code Realize warm as silk sequel” -there is literally nothing in this file except “SEX! Only a little angst” because I wanted to write some “we can’t actually touch each other” smut but never actually did. 🤷‍♀️

BioWare (also all Not-In-Progress Anymore)

“seb/adelaide”, “Theia” & “DAI Erana” -these WIP folders were cannibalized for ficlets for the last few times I did fictober, and while originally I had ideas for longer epilogues for all three of them, at this point I don’t think any of the remaining bits could support a story any longer.

”whispers in the dark” -Maia Ryder never really got much fic at all; the cancellation of any further Andromeda stuff was really disheartening, and at this point I’d have to play the game again, and I don’t think I’m gonna manage that any time soon

”TSP” -a Mass Effect 3 Shepard AU collab project that kind of went off the rails, and our mutual brains/lives never quite seem to line up so we can try and rebuild it ”Ngaio & Tane” -my one truly ruthless Shepard (Alliance background, who romanced Traynor) whose father Tane Shepard was, I think, in PsyOps, and I wanted to figure out their complicated relationship but never really did know where I was going with it

”JE Zu & Yaling” -so I’ve rambled about my Tragic Sagacious Zu Romance Thoughts regarding Jade Empire more than once (#Icy Yaling should have most of it) but apparently I want to yell about it more than I want to actually write it? Whoops.

”CI sequel: 5 times fic?” -Cruel Intentions is a kinkmeme fill that I started and then it sat for like five years before I actually finished it, and I liked the ending, but it does leave a giant fucking question mark in terms of how those people got from there to where they are after the game, and I kind of wanted to write a proper h/c fic rather than just... leaving them wallowing in all that trauma?

But I didn’t. I don’t even remember for sure how I wanted to frame the 5/1 of it all, besides it being something sad about allowing people to see you or touch you in some way. (Prayers maybe, since I think there was definitely some Sebastian & Fenris & faith stuff going on in there.)

“candles” -Merribela prompt fill that I never was happy with? Not sure what I might do with it at this point, so it’s just sitting there all sad and lonely and neglected-like.

Shadowhunters

pt1: WIP LIST ONLY

“Persuasion” -so I keep trying to write Persuasion AUs in many fandoms because it’s my favorite Austen, but I think I like it too much, I have no real solid concept of how I’d transform it, and if I don’t have anything else to say about different characters within that framework, I have no push to actually write anything? Also this SH version of it suffered from MASSIVE scope creep when I started outlining and it got too big for me to handle so I like, killed it twice? Whoops. This one is really probably never gonna happen.

“oosdt sequel” -I wanted to write more about the Forest That Eats People and Magnus & Alec as Guardians Between Worlds, and also some background Magnus’ Found Family & Lightwood Family Feels (maybe some clizzy?) and I left a Madzie plot-thread dangling from the first one on purpose even but I think this one had too many ideas and not enough focus so it’s sort of sprawling all over a doc with a lot of “???” in it

“procedural-ish” -this was originally going to be a sex-farce. and then it turned more serious. and then maybe kind of copaganda which was uncomfortable in terms of the Everything That Is The News in 2020, and then maybe it was more a Mafia AU and at that point I had self-inflicted tone whiplash and I wished the voices in my head were a little more forthcoming about their plans so I stopped before I brained myself on my computer monitor in frustration.

“I had rather a rose than live forever” -I started a reverse!verse Malec (Shadowhunter!Magnus, High Warlock!Alec) for bingo last year, and I couldn’t quite get it together in time, so I made a moodboard inspired by the bits I’d started instead. I may see if one of my prompts from Bingo this year help me finish it?

“fall fright fest (practical magic  au)” -exactly what it says on the tin! almost exactly a year old & neglected! IDEK ANYMORE (I talked about this one with the WIP meme last time tho: here)

“priest!kink theology?” -I thought it was gonna be smut? I like priest!kink. I have made other people like it and yell at me even! But then I kept diverging into demon!Magnus thinking about Priest!Alec’s faith and as usual, IDEK ANYMORE *laughs*

(If they’re remotely canon-adjacent or divergent, a bunch of these are in here because I need to rewatch the show to get the pacing/timing/tone right and I haven’t, and I don’t know why, because I enjoy the show, but BRAINS! Are Dumb! So I guess that’s it?)

“I do” -I have tried to write this damnable Malec arranged marriage fic like six different times. I have signed up for fic exchanges and bangs with it, I have rewritten massive sections, trying to change tone or structure or POV or whatever, and it basically comes down to they like each other too fast and I keep not gutting it enough to get back to a useful pace, but by the time I realized that I was on take six and kind of sick of it. I may get back to it eventually

“wing!fic” -canon divergent in early s1, trying to deal with the consequences of Simon’s kidnapping as the Truly Serious Event that it should have been. It uh. Got heavier than I expected with those consequences (considering it was originally just supposed to be Alec’s wings flirting with Magnus) and also see above re: rewatching for pacing.

“2x20 aftermath/date night/pandemonium porn“ -yes that is the actual wip title. It used to be “spite fic” because I was originally inspired by fighting against a lot of fic!Alec characterization that was clearly based more on the books and ATG syndrome than the Alec in the show, which is the Alec I know and like and want to read about. BUT, pacing and etc. again, I think. Also I have somehow entirely lost my knack for writing porn, which makes it difficult to finish something originally intended to be smut!fic. Or even teasing almost!smut.

“rubbish heap” -so this is about three different fics that I realized complemented each other really well so they’re now all in the same file as I try to turn them into the sequel of “with an if in its soul”. It includes amnesia, parabatai lore shenanigans, a s3 rewrite, and some truly awful Owl adjustments that make me wince in horrified authorly delight and pain. BUT, as with the other ones in this file, the scope is large and I normally write short-fic and I kind of just threw up my hands in exasperation. I may have to break it back up into the three different fics instead, if I ever actually want to write it. Them? But also I need to take better notes on s3 to make sure I have what I need in here.

SH Pt 2: Started posting or not yet in hiatus because it’s actually almost ready to be a thing in the real world! maybe!?

“kisses (firsts)” -I actually started publishing this one, a “series of firsts” that was supposed to be kind of relationship milestones and kind of an excuse for smut, and then there wasn’t that much smut and I lost momentum and also dear lords & ladies the timeline is stupid, wtf. I may not ever add to this one, tbqh. It doesn’t stop in a terrible place, and they’re all ficlets so they stand alone all right.

“clizzy epilogue” -this is blank atm, it’s more a reminder for me to keep poking away at my “girls who can’t breathe air, only fire” collection BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY GET TO THE CLIZZY AT SOME POINT

"mer!alec" -pts 2-4 of a series, but apparently having an actual plan gets in the way of me *writing* the thing, and I haven't managed to throw the half an outline far enough away from my brain to be able to write again. Or something like that.

"ibhww" -if broken hearts were whole is a soulmate fic I started a million years ago, and purposefully set aside to finish some other WIPs because I thought they'd be quick, and now it's just buried under two and a half years of regret and shame so it's hard to get back to it

"iafy" -i am for you is a delightful & frothy semi-epistolary fluff piece that also just lost momentum because Life & 2020 & etc. It's far and away the most popular thing I've ever posted on AO3, which also makes me feel weird sometimes, and I feel like the fact that there's no grand conclusion planned, just a bit more fluff and settling in, might end up being disappointing? Basically, it's the first time I think I've psyched myself out about reader expectations, and until I get over that I'm going to have trouble finishing the last couple chapters. (There really are probably only two more chapters though. IT’S SO CLOSE, I wish I could just... write it. And yet?)

“fake-hating” -I do not like fake dating as a trope that much, I just do not get it, but I love outside POVs and arranged marriages and there’s this delighful tumblr post about how they wished there was more fic about people who were together but had to pretend they werent’, and uh. This may be that? Eventually? I’m not exhausted by my failure to finish it yet, so it’s still in the regular folder rather than the hiatus folder, even though nothing’s been posted for it.

AND I THINK THAT’S IT?

Not as terrible as it could be, but still. MANY WORDS THAT MAY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. Posting the equivalent of one’s old ratty sketchbook is always a weird feeling. :D

[anewbeginningagain]

The show was very flawed and all over the place, yes, but I get why they did it. They felt like nothing they did mattered, they were going to lose even if they did their best. I can see why they would've wanted allies at the rink at the time. Tbqh they could've gone nuclear on Marina and the whole situation, but Meryl dating her son was never mentioned, so if they'd wanted to deliver a low blow, they could've. We've seen that Marina only cares about her bottom line and will steer a narrative.

I always thought that they were simply mostly naive about what the show will be like. It’s purely speculation but I think part of the reason Tessa completely changed course and took total ownership of their social media presence (regardless of if she had professional help or not) was in many ways the result of losing ownership of it with how their show turned out. I mean I think that a part of why the show was the way it was is that they were struggling that season (and the season before) and that their situation was unpleasant in their own rink, but at the same time the specific narratives the show insisted on pushing were almost insultingly basic (the unrequited “love”, the cocky athlete, the bitchy rivalry, the fake drama and so on) - and I say that as someone who never watched a second of that show and only read about it... I mean there’s no way this was what TS had in mind and I think they probably stayed quiet about their displeasure with the result because they were contractually obligated to and that they really did had a good time with the team that followed them (as they said several times). 

But I much preferred how they handled their social media presence in the comeback, it was one of the best I’ve seen any skater do and they (especially Tessa obviously) had such precision when it came to promoting their biggest strengths while still not exploiting who they are and their private lives. And that’s insanely hard to do while having an ever-growing social media following (I mean Tessa started the comeback with like 10K followers at best, got to 100K during the comeback and right before the Olympics), and then exploded and gained a huge following. They “used” their physical attractiveness, they used their childhood photos, they used their genuine chemistry and their playfulness with each other, and of course the amazing narrative of skating 20 years together and fighting to win the gold once again - all of which are narratives that are very easy for people to get behind. And it proved itself with how they went viral during the games. 

As for Marina, I don’t think she’s a “bottom line only” kind of person, when you see her interact with TS in the k&c in their early years you see how she genuinely cared for them (to me it felt stronger than what I saw with both D/W and the Shibs in the k&c) but I think with the pressure from the US federation and maybe D/W and their families and with TS being plagued with injuries in that quad she decided to bank on D/W for Sochi gold and it showed. But I do agree about never mentioning the fact that Meryl and Fedor were dating, I mean I’m not saying that it necessarily had much impact on how Marina handled things but it was a potential low blow that the show could have aimed at both D/W and Marina and I’m glad it was avoided, TS are much better than that kind of pettiness and they proved it throughout their entire careers. 

[loseyoutoloveme]

i'm always interested in what you have to say when a big album comes out so what are your thoughts on positions? i've seen a lot of mixed opinions about it and would love to know! also if you have the time/energy maybe do the rating/summary of each track that you do? you dont have to if you dont want to but im intrigued!

omg thank you so much for caring about anything i have to say sdkjdsk 🥺 posting my opinions below!

SHUT UP: a good opening track, with suuuuch pretty strings and runs and harmonies and everything else. - 7.5/10

34+35: the laugh at the beginning should not be there bc it scared me on first listen lmao, but honestly this is so funny and catchy, “give me them babies” made me lol and i’ve had the coffee/healthy/squeaky thing stuck in my head since i heard it. - 8/10

MOTIVE: one of those weird songs where i really really really like the production and instrumental itself but i don’t like the melodies or lyrics or anything else, idk what it is... will definitely grow on me in time (i’ll keep listening to this one until it does because i can tell that i’ll love it like a year from now). i like doja a lot and really enjoyed her album but i hate her verse in this, like her voice is just not working for me in this, maybe just bc it’s such a strong contrast from ariana’s much smoother vocal. - 6.5/10

JUST LIKE MAGIC: so i remember when thank u next was released and everyone was losing their minds over nasa and i was like “.......it’s.....fine i guess” lmao that’s me over just like magic for this album. it’s okay, but it seems to be almost everyone’s favourite/top 5 and i don’t get that. some cute lyrics though. - 6/10

OFF THE TABLE: so this song is really beautiful and sad, but i did not need abel on this. in general, he’s been a bit hit or miss for me the past couple years. i love her parts, but his verse feels really hollow in comparison to hers, and i just think it would have been so much nicer and more intimate if it were solo. - 7/10

SIX THIRTY: i like this! i haven’t read many opinions on this song but i’m just remembering when everyone hated make up from tun and i loved it and went on to be like 1 of 5 make up stans, and i can see this being similar. - 7.5/10

SAFETY NET: i have...... no thoughts. definitely not a bad song, i just find it boring and feel no need to ever listen to it again lol. - 5/10

MY HAIR: definitely my third favourite of the album. so so so good, just the most insane vocals... like whistles for a whole verse? okay ma’am. - 8.5/10

NASTY: like safety net, it’s fine but i just don’t find this interesting and don’t think i’ll be re-listening. - 5/10

WEST SIDE: again, i’m not interested in this sdkjdsds. i think this would grow on me a bit because the chorus is catchy enough, but i don’t really care to keep listening long enough for that to happen. - 5/10

LOVE LANGUAGE: no, the way i lost my mind over this song on my first listen. SO good. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. absolutely my favourite of the album and my second favourite song of hers in general (behind ntltc which is gonna be #1 for forever and ever). just ugh. yes! the second half of the album was feeling bland to me and then this completely salvaged it. the random outro feels unnecessary but i do not care. - 100/10

POSITIONS: really catchy! tbh i wish this album had just been a surprise drop with no lead (this could still be the single, but just have it released as a single at the same time as the album, like cardigan/folklore) because i feel like this song would have stood out on the tracklist sooo much more if i hadn’t already heard it when i listened to the album, if that makes sense? - 8/10

OBVIOUS: does this sound like a song that would be on yours truly to anyone else? not a really memorable track but i like it v much. - 8/10

POV: this might be the most mature and beautiful and touching song of her entire discography. such a real, mature love song that i think touches on parts of love and life that her love songs kind of hadn’t until this album. “i wanna trust me the way that you trust me” made me tear up so much. really sweet and genuine, i’m so happy for her. also such a great closing track. the thematic content of thank u next vs. positions is such a great reflection of her personal growth and healing! - 10/10

this is apparently my ranking for now:

overall as an album... i think it’s a good album. fun and quite unique to ariana (have seen a few comments saying that this album is not even pop or r&b but literally just her own genre, and i agree with that, everything on here sounds really distinctly ariana). not the best album in the world, and not her best album either (but not her worst at all). there are no bad songs tbh, just like... 2 too many filler tracks. the main criticism i’ve seen so far is that it’s just kind of a bland album, which is a criticism i understand (def don’t understand people who were yelling all over twitter about how bad it was when it leaked; i understand that tastes vary and such but this is literally not a bad album at all).

not to already be like “let’s move onto her next album,” but i think her next album will be a more interesting one; this album was really in line with what she did with sweetener and thank u next and i feel like the next album is gonna (have to) be a bit more of an evolution (the same way that sweetener was a definite “new chapter” after her first 3). if i had to rate the album out of 10 it’d probably be a 7.5. there are some tracks that i’ll never revisit tbqh, but love language and pov are gonna be on repeat for the next few days for sure.

[polar-stars]

Oh and also Bc I’m curious, why’d you decide for Kaori to be a main character? Since she isn’t a daughter of two core characters in the original series :3

Ooooh that’s an interesting question ! Thank you so much for asking <3 (The answer will be a mess tho ovo;;)

I’ll be honest, the story of Kaori’s development is....a mess.

She’s the very first out of the cast who did not start out with me sitting down and designing her. She was actually added rather spontaneously and the first thing she had going for her was pretty much a tiny Fundament of her role.

We’re writing the year 2016. I was 16 years old, I was about to make my graduation from middle school, I was one of the stupidest idiots on earth believe me and I had discovered this cooking anime somewhere in April and got hypfixiated. I drew a few fankids for some of the ships I liked and decided “Hey I wanna make a fanfic for them!” and jumped right into that with no planning whatsoever.

Anyway, as I said I was super stupid and honestly....it’s been a couple of months or so ever since I watched the anime back then and while I of course remembered the most important bits, by memory regarding events and such was still cloudy. So when I then wanted to write Chapter 2 of my newly started fanfic I wanted to tackle the entrance ceremony. But I couldn’t remember how that went down in the original series so I had to revisit the episode. And that’s how I remembered the valedictorian badge Erina received and went like “FUCK I need a valedictorian”

One thing I had very vividly present in my mind back then was the Autumn Elections and I suppose that’s what made me come up with the idea to make A. a daughter for Hisako and Akira, since I shipped them ever since their match + B. make their daughter the valedictorian. Putting Erina who always stood over everyone aside, Akira had at that point been the character who was able to stay constintely better than Sōma after all and my naive 16 year old brain cells just connected: “So his daughter will also be better than Soma’s. Perfect.”

And that’s how I added Kaori Hayama to my fanfiction with a description of a scene of her receiving her valedictorian badge. I decided she would be a more distant and cold character given that Akira stroke me as such.

What then happened is that Kaori kind off wrote herself tbqh. Pieces just fell together very quickly and within what must have been seconds she had worked herself upwards from being a hasty addition to a truly important member of the cast. Inspired by Hayama‘s speech towards Hisako in their match and how her goals are too limited and how he wouldn’t loose to someone who‘s content with being an eternal number 2, I made Kaori an extremely ambitious persona who had her mind set on the first spot of the academy and who wouldn‘t tolerate anyone standing in her way. Automatically that put her into an even stronger position as Kimiko‘s rival, given that...of course Kimiko wants the top spot as well. I made her insanely antisocial, also inspired by her father, and she became the first character where I could picture a character turn-around in the future where she’d open up more to people. I made her dislike Kimiko, initially just because they’re rivals however once Akio was created a tiny bit later....things got way more deeper. Long story short, it may sound really stupid but Kaori just got important the moment she was introduced.

If we compare my Main 4 Kimiko, Hiroshi, Kaori and Mika to Sōma, Erina, Megumi and Takumi then I’d say that Kaori in my Main 4 sorta takes the Erinaesque role so to speak. I don’t mean my that, that I am just going to repeat Erina’s character arc but with Kaori, no. But there’s subtle similarities: Kaori starts out as the queen of her generation (there’s the difference though that Kaori’s position slowly but surely gets doubted once Kimiko enters the show), she’s better than Kimiko actually and well, she’s just the distant character so to speak. Megumi/Hiroshi is Soma’s/Kimiko’s first friend on Totsuki; Takumi/Mika is the rival on equal terms but despite it being a rivalry it’s still a friendly one.....Erina/Kaori are the personas who start out with actively disliking Sōma/Kimiko and could possibly even be considered antagonists (although very mild ones) at first. Again, I am not saying that Erina and Kaori are the same character or something. They’re not. And their journeys will be different ones, really. I am just saying that Kaori does start out in a similar position as Erina so to speak.

In the end, what makes Kaori so vital is that she is an insanely important rival to our MC and is fulfilling said position as rival in a different way than Mika does. She will be a lot more harder to overcome for Kimiko and for a long time their rivalry won’t be as friendly as the one Kimiko shares with Mika. Kaori also has connections to Hiraku, who’s also a very vital character, and of course Akio. That constellation of Hiraku/Kimiko/Akio/Hiraku is another core point, meep.

I hope all of this made somewhat sense as I greatly struggled for words here. But again, thank you so much for the question ! It was still nice to talk about a character that was so much fun to develop for me.

[regrettablewritings]

Dios Meme-o! (Rafael Barba Mini-Series, Pt. 3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Rafael’s poisons of choice (coffee and scotch) could be divided up between day and night respectively. The coffee was for obvious reasons: To keep him awake and alert, to keep him going even when his work day was driving him to the brink of insanity (as it did all too often). The use of the scotch was also typically obvious: To drown out the stresses of the day, its trials hardly ever actually being over in the grand scheme of things. A cool down of sorts to balance out the caffeinated upper.

This evening, however? Rafael wasn’t sure exactly what the scotch was trying to boot off: the stress of the workday, or the revelation that he now appeared to have a small following? He decided the answer to be both as he took another sip of his drink. He wanted to believe that it was more so the former option but there was just something about the latter that made it stand so firmly in his mind.

Probably had something to do with the fact that even after the messages sent to him about his occupation and . . . tum (Rafael fought off the desire to shudder at the word), Carisi and Rollins continued to send him two more posts of a similar vein.

Where were they even specifically even getting all these? Rafael wondered. His eyes landed on his laptop.

Words and pictures travel fast, Rollins’ voice echoed. But just how fast was what Rafael wondered.

Against his better judgement, he committed a dangerous act born of morbid curiosity, enhanced by the slow but certain influx of bourbon into his system: He typed his own name into Google.

The first few results were what he expected: References to his past cases, articles on his most recent feats of interest, a handful of articles on his words at the most recent press conference.  

. . . Then there was what came after.

Rafael had heard about Tumblr, but not much if he had to be honest. Sites like Twitter or Facebook or other niche sites tended to be more of what he faced on a regular basis. But a site specifically platformed for blogging surprisingly did not cross his path as often as one might think. It therefore posed within him a sense of worry that the first time he would approach Tumblr would be because his name had become a tag on the site.

He was right to worry.

The deep blue background was offset by an assault on the eyes: text posts here, pictures there, gif sets of his past quotes to cameras before or after a court case, but mostly of him during his speech at the press conference.

His eyes weren’t sure where to look first, where to escape from first but no matter where he went, he’d always end up somewhere just as bizarre.

Some posts were weird –

“God those hands – like fricken’ face-huggers! I want them to smother me!!!” Without thinking, Rafael looked at his hands. He never really noted them as being big, per se. And despite the copious amounts of likes and reblogs featured in the notes section, and that nobody could even see them as they were now in real life, he couldn’t help but want to hide them.

At least three more Tum™ posts in either text or picture form with quadruple the notes and responses. In that moment, he began to strongly consider dieting and nearly opened up a new tab to research for that specific consideration.

“Lookit them veins in his hand. I wanna suck a hickey on them. Just slurp ‘em up like noodles.” . . . What?

Some were surprisingly nice, if not composed in a more bombastic way than what he felt was necessary or was used to –

“Oh, look at his tie!! I love that pattern!!” He had to admit, he himself was quite fond that the pink paisley tie they spoke of.

“Holy crap, you guys, he has green eyes! GREEN FREAKING EYES!!!” A little excited over something he’d considered uninteresting, but Rafael couldn’t stop the faint flutter of pride bubbling within him.

“His hair looks so smooth. He needs to be allowed to grow his hair out, he’d have beautiful long hair!” That made his lips purse. His hair hadn’t been long since high school, and even then it barely reached his shoulders. Frankly, his hair tended to get a little fluffy the longer it grew anyway.

“Handsome, dresses nicely, works hard, is a feminist – guys, I think I’m in love.” Yet another huge jump over something he didn’t consider to be too big of a deal. (But at least this person appeared to have decent standards.)

“Ok but it should be illegal to work a suit like that.” The self-importance fluttered a bit harder, both for the suggestion that he not only looked good, but for the fact that the ensembles he prided himself on were actually appreciated by complete strangers.

“Steal his look”, complete with clothes and accessories very similar to his own but for a fraction of the cost (how economic of them).

– Before dipping right back into weirdness . . .

“D.A. stands for ‘Dat Azz’” proclaimed Foodlemynoodle, who was ever so kind as to include a photo taken by the press of Rafael’s retreating form with a second picture edited to focus specifically on his ass.

“Barba looks like the type of guy who’s a stern lawyer in the streets but a spicy papi in the sheets <3.” There was so much wrong with that suggestion that Rafael didn’t know where to start.

“don’t you just wanna use his tie to tug him down and make out w/him?” The multiple notes responded all agreed. This worried Rafael, as tugging on someone’s tie could be very uncomfortable.

“I’d rather snap those suspenders tbqh,” came the response. Rafael grimaced, the memory of pain from previous accidental snappings becoming vivid for a brief moment.

“i want dat sloppy papi dick™,” announced one user, adding a gif of Spongebob Squarepants fervently licking a picture of Rafael that had been photoshopped into the original image.

It went on like this, growing increasingly more awkward and disconcerting by the scroll. It was only out of curiosity that Rafael kept going. That sick, masochistic curiosity and intrigue that compels someone to watch a train wreck or a distressingly bad YouTube video that gives you secondhand embarrassment. He’d just moved beyond what felt like the twentieth post about his “splendid tummy” when he’d come upon a post that wasn’t quite like the others in terms of text. It wasn’t crude or even necessarily complimentary per se but –

           “Get you a man who looks at you the way ADA Barba looks at his coffee ❤ lol jk   nobody’ll look like you like that just get ADA Barba.”

Included was the image of him at a coffee shop, receiving a cup of his favorite day drink, a rare smile gracing his features. Well. That was unnerving. Sure, he went to get coffee at an embarrassing and even likely unhealthy rate but for someone to have taken a picture of him at all while doing so was just . . . wrong.

One person called Ballr00mbombshell responded with, “Stale cinnamon roll, too jaded by this world.” This made Rafael’s brows pressed downward. Cinnamon roll? What did cinnamon rolls have to do with anything? As if his subconscious had directed him there, his sights landed on the tag section of the post:

#He was buying a cinnamon roll too!!, #such a cinnamon roll, #he probably needs something sweet if his job is dealing with such awful situations, #eat and drink on my sweet cinnamon roll son.

Okay, he thought as he moved his laptop further down his lap. Maybe I was better off not knowing . . . Wait. Cinnamon rolls. While never one to fully discriminate against foods, cinnamon rolls weren’t a thing Rafael normally got. Wait! He recognized that outfit! It was . . . It was the same damn one from the press conference! A trembling hand reached for his replenished glass of scotch and directed it to his lips, taking as hefty of a gulp as he possibly could without warranting a coughing fit.

Did he have a stalker? Already? Granted, after all his years in his field, he shouldn’t be so surprised by how fast fanaticism can rise and to what lengths. Should he tell Liv? She was so pissed the last time he avoided telling her about a threatening presence in his life . . .

As the burning liquid trickled down his throat, Rafael nearly paused it in its tracks. He realized one more thing: The angle of the photo. It was taken at the back of the shop, by the window judging by the looks of it. From the corner, he could just make out a barrel containing chips.

The girl with the Hello Kitty watercolor phone case!

An agitated grunt rumbled from Rafael’s chest and out of his mouth as the revelation became clear. He knew he wasn’t imagining things! Never before had the soft suggestion of watercolor and the innocent cuteness of a beloved children’s character worked together to produce such malcontent.

As tempting as it was to continue, the minor brush with the idea of being stalked mingled terribly with the alcohol in his disgruntled system. Rafael called it a night and tried to sleep decently.

The heavy presence of rounded stomachs and hand veins in his dreams made this out to be a difficult task.

[aprilmillerphd-archive]

This is a Bias List. Because I am Biased, and also a Follow Forever. For reasons. Mostly that April hit a milestone and that’s friggin’ amazing in my book.

So I have to start with @darcywho who has been my main and exclusive Darcy since... well actually since I took April from the private rpc into the independent rpc something like four or five years ago. I know Mariah IRL (and will soon be living within easy driving distance of her)-- and basically. Mariah is bombtastic. She’s hella smart and funny, and when I’m having a crappy day (or given how the beginning of this year went, a crappy year) -- she texts me incessantly to talk about what Darcy is doing, and what April and Darcy should be doing, and I have so much character history, and Important Events, and developmental experiences just from talking and writing with Mariah, that I honestly don’t think April would be the character she is, without having had Darcy’s mitigating influence. We’ve just done so much that we’ve reached a point in our friendship and writing relationship where I literally feel as if Mariah could write April, and do her justice and vice versa. If y’all don’t follow her already, you should get on that because seriously, she is the absolute best take on Darcy Lewis that I have ever encountered in the Marvel RPC, and I know the PC rp com is going to jump down my throat for ‘making comparisons’-- but again. THis boo is my main and exclusive Darcy Lewis, also I do whut I want. @scarsearned MANGOOOOO. Okay so funfact; this brat used to have a diff url and we chat on dis/cord and it STILL took me like three days to realize on tumblr they were the same person. I FOLLOW YOU ON FOUR BLOGS MANGO. THis is what you signed up for all those years ago. I’m sorry. SO TO THE POINT! Mango has a bevy of blogs she runs, I met her when she wrote almost exclusively on Rummers here, and what I say ‘met her’ I mean I started sending her asks talking about Brock Rumlow, reread her rules and realized she had a password, at which point we were already talking over Skype, and then I sent in her password and she teased me relentlessly for it. (I deserved it, I’m a total goob)-- Mango is right up there with Mariah in terms of IMPORTANT character development shit. Mango writes a CANON DIVERGENT Brock Rumlow, and has put so much time into developing him, I think Marvel should give her a fuckin’ job. She’s also like... insanely smart. I say this as someone who likes to play at being really intelligent. Mango talks and I feel like I’m back in grade school and I want to hide myself away in shame. So obviously it’s no wonder we ended up shipping. (Actually no, I still have literally no idea how or why THAT happened tbqh I’m a fuckin’ potato) -- but Mango and Mariah go hand in hand because I introduced them and now their Brock and Darcy are inextricably linked forevermore as siblings and it’s fuckin’ A Plus. @russkiyuragan YET ANOTHER PERSON I MET BECAUSE OF MANGO. But also hella quality child of canon OC. Like, legit we started talking because Mango dragged us into a group rp and it turned into us mutuall talking about character development and now basically Seamus is one of April’s smols. Even though he really ISN’T one of hers. She’s basically claimed him as a child who needs mothering and dammit she is going to give him all the mothering ever. Even if he doesn’t need or want it. AND BASICALLY THEY ARE A FUCKING SWEETHEART WHO NEEDS ALL THE FUCKING LOVE because they’re really insanely smart and super sweet and friendly and I heart them. @phxtxn PHIL!!! OKAY SO I MET PHIL IN A CLOSED RPC FOR-FUCKING-EVER AGO. And immediately Genis and April butted heads. (He destroyed like half her office, ruined a couple PRICELESS books and then offered to buy her lunch in apology. Suffice to say April was less than impressed) -- except over the years, they’ve gotten really close. Occasionally Phil and I delve into the divergent canon where April and Genis actually end up romantically involved but it always ends in heartache because April is bad at being happy and Genis is bad at... well.. mitigating April’s more extreme bouts of self-loathing. BUT they are exceptional friends and Phil has a fantastic knack for finding the fun and funny in every situation and driving April absolutely UP A WALL. Phil’s also another rp partner I dragged into the collective with Mariah, because I like it when my writing partners all write together because I’m a spoiled princess. Phil’s a total sweetheart though and his Genis Vell is motherfucking spot on. He’s spent a lot of time with the character and it shows, but he also understands pragmatic, human interactions from a writing sense so it’s always a joy when we write together or chat. @askprofessorx NAAAAYYAA -- Naya’s another of those rpers I sort of. Grew on. Like a fungus. I wooed her with poetry first and then introduced her Charl to April and what I consider to be one of my more beautifully painful plot ideas. It involved time travel and the overhanging possibility of April dying. And because April was from the modern era trying desperately to get back, it was that much more painful when she started developing connections. And basically Naya and I plotted everything out over IMs and asks and now we have the most ridiculous tiny person ship in the history of ridiculous ships and Naya’s Charles is like... the cornerstone of my favorite Charles’s. She’s got this beautiful grasp of our fave telepath’s charming flirtatiousness and paired with the very Serious way he views morality and the world, which combined with April’s general cynicism (and it should be noted, our mutant verse involves April being a touch-telepath who can’t actually touch people without destroying their brains because control? what is that)-- and you have an April experiencing her worst fear. Which is not being in-control of herself. It’s beautiful and Naya is beautiful bean. @iremembereveryonethatleaves AHAHAHA Lilo was the first  ‘child’ April ever like. Accidentally adopted. And it happened entirely because of my age of aquarius verse, wherein instead of April seeking out Charles Xavier, she looked for Magneto instead. She found him. And his kid. And I literally have no idea WHY OR HOW April ended up becoming surrogate mom to Lilo since there’s no rational reason for Magneto getting along with April who is a cynical, borderline nihilist with Serious Rage Issues. But-- April and Lilo. Mommy and daughter and just. LITERALLY ALL MY HEART AND LOVE FOR THIS PERSON WHO MADE WRITING MUTANT APRIL FUN AND NOT PAINFUL. Until you (you asshole) made it painful. I still go through our tags to read all th angst, and I didn’t do it half so well as you and Tori did so.. @actually-i-prefer-magneto frick me so apparently I did my mutant crew in a triumvirate.  The flipside of the age of aquarius verse, where April found Magneto instead and became part of his Brotherhood. Because who wouldn’t have a need for a hyperpolyglot, with genius level intelligence and touch-telepathy? Magneto knew what he was getting out of the bargain, I just don’t think he expected April Miller. TBQH. Nobody ever expects her which is great, and this basically started as an incredibly painful, probably tragic plot that I had (sort of) intended to result in April’s death and it didn’t go that route. Like. At all. probably because these two babes understand that good angst is hard to come by and with the persistent low-hanging threat of April’s head getting blown off, or even worse, her returning to her own time, it meant that every interaction was always charged with a lowkey kind of desperation and tension.  Even when Erik and April got that ‘happy’ ending. It took an actual fucking lifetime to get there. And the best thing about Kristy is that she’s smart as fuck, I seem to surround myself with people who make writing look easy, and whose ability to thread together a long arching plot is so absolutely bafflingly amazing I am often struck stupid. @captain-outoftime AaBbbbYyyyYyy. So like- I met Abby through Mariah. Abby is the Steeb to Mariah’s Darcy. They’re hitched. It’s great. April helped Steve propose to Darcy even though April seems to have a PERPETUAL ISSUE with Steve Rogers that defies all explanation. IDK-- it’s probably something to do with the fact that April is a giant pain the ass and a tiny, fight-y blonde? WTF knows. Steve tolerates April. Abby tolerates me. Abby is a goddess. Beautiful, smart, funny as fuck, and like. Constantly busy. How she manages to balance RL shit with rp is beyond the scope of my ability to grasp yo but she’s the bomb-diggity. @americanasitgets MOTHERFUCKIN’ GABBY! My DC babe. Light of my liiife, fire in my loins, (not really but I was on a roll yo) -- I also met Gabby because of Mariah. And Gabby’s Clark. Gabby’s Clark is made of fucking sunshine okay, and the best part is, is that we’ve had like a sustained rp universe where April harasses Clark and doesnt know he’s superman, WHILE TASH-TRALKING SUPERMAN TO CLARK’S FACE. It’s comedy gold. Poor April. But I love Gabby, because she’s smart as shit and fuckin’ hysterical, and will literally snowball crack scenarios over IM into the wee hours of the morning. Even better, I’ve found someone whose as bad at keeping track of threads as me. (I say, as I eyeball our New Krypton thread that’s been in my drafts folder for like. Six months. Oops). @talonscourt D I KNOW THROUGH MY TIM BLOG-- but who I first met on April and then promptly FORGOT ABOUT because I’m a total dipshit. D writes Jason Todd, April surrogate son. This is a recent development. Tim loves Jason, April loves Jason. D is amazing as Jason. D is like... my platonic lover from Narnia. They’re smart as hell, and incredibly sweet even when I’m shit at keeping in contact because my real life is a hot-fuckin-mess and I’m always sick and on the verge of nuclear collapse. I would be TOTALLY LOST WITHOUT YOU. @galaeus Echo. As written by the ever talented Amy who I’ve known since April’s very first incarnation. Which... is a long ass time, Amy’s seen April through several character developments and rewrites, and has legit known April as a character since like. Legit. Post Tim. When April was a baby.  Echo is April’s other southern, raised by a pageant queen biffle. They shoot the shit together, Echo is also legit the only person in existence whose allowed to give April nicknames, or turn April into a diminutive. Amy’s basically like... hands down the reason why i never gave up on writing an Indie female OC, and that’s because Amy’s a boss and she also happens to be a spectacular writer, both in the RPC and in real life. @agentharrisonofshield and last but not least, this girl. Right here. April has like... a bevy of Awesome Girl Squad frands. All of whom are infinitely more talented and bad ass than she is, like. Legit. April’s smart. but in a fight? She’s basically cannon fodder by comparison. She just isn’t built for the field. April and Viv became friends because they got locked in a closet together. I’m not sure HOW that happened, but now they get together and chat in other languages and April feeds her, and basically this s the woman April goes to when she wants someone shot. I literally love all the headcanons we’ve put together and that Agent Harrison is invariably the first ‘shield agent’ April casually mentions outside of Echo, in threads of mine. That’s how you know you’ve found an awesome rp partner and friend. When their own characters start casually infiltrating your threads in the form of namedrops.

[zairehyun-blog]

can you do all of the ask things? 🙈

OH GOD 

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

mic drop - btstraining wheels - melanie martinez drive - halseydo i wanna know - arctic monkeysnicotine - panic! at the disco ready for it - taylor swift 

bonus: forever - exo, earned it - the weeknd, & cherry bomb - nct 127

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

fhgjfkjhgf maybe my mom

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

answered

4: What do you think about most?

answered

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

from my twin and it says “I FUCKING SWEAR SQUISHY YAWNED”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

ok it depends here. it depends on how cold it is and if my boyfriend is willing to share his shirt but normally no

7: What’s your strangest talent?

i’m like really flexible for no reason??? 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

answered 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

i’ve had my sister’s stalker write a poem abt me akfjdhskl 

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

answered

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

no lol 

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Wh- who does that-

13: What’s your religion?

answered

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

trying to go back inside no but probably taking pictures of the sky to show my dad lmao

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

answered

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

fdhsfjk between exo or bts

17: What was the last lie you told?

i told my dads that my sister was the one who broke a lamp ASFJSD

18: Do you believe in karma?

answered

19: What does your URL mean?

answered

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i talk abt my twin a lot but, being away from her literally drains me of my energy, and i’m not sure abt my greatest strength lmao

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

this mAN

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

answered

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write it down or i tell someone im really close too

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

of very long sweaters lol

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

it depends,,, im a really talkative person so i guess both

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Kinda, I’m still learning who I am, so I can’t answer this yet. 

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

answered

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

answered

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

tHIS HOUSE IS FUCKiNg haunted no one tell me otherwise and, i do because how can we be the only species in the entire galaxy?? it doesn’t make sense

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

I touch my boyfriend and he looked at me like “what the fuck are you doing” asghsjf i also touched a pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

answered (still cologne) 

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

fcuckIng school

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I love both :(((

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

fdhjfkdfh i don’t know lmao

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

mansae - matthew 2k17

36: Define Art.

the way he looks at me

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yeah

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Perfect tbqh

39: What time is it?

8:40 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes and no

41: What was the last book you read?

Alice in wonderland

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

ADJFHSDjfk i don’t like it but i also don’t hate it

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Zaza, Z & then my korean name (which I won’t state.)

44: What was the last film you saw?

“IT”

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I broke my pinky and now it can bend in weird ways

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

YeS GHJDSKF

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

I’ve been getting into more animes and I’m getting back into cosplay lmao

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

answered

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

answered

50: Do you believe in magic?

yes i am a magical little bean

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

it depends on how wrong the thing they did was lmao

52: What is your astrological sign?

Pisces

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I save it and then I spend it on other people HAHA

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

i bought myself a promise ring (for smth personal agfhkjsf)

55: Love or lust?

love

56: In a relationship?

to my lovely baby (’:

57: How many relationships have you had?

2 but if you count this one then 3

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no

59: Where were you yesterday?

at school & i went out to dinner C:

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yes 

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no

62: What’s your favourite animal?

🦄

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

tbh my hair or my charm lmAo

64: Where is your best friend?

She’s in Seoul >:c

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

answered

66: What is your heritage?

Korean, Japanese & Arabian

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

eating

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Satan is his last name his first name is Lucifer

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

answered

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes, honestly. That’s what I aspired to be, to be what my younger self needed.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

ILL SAVE THAT FUCKING DOG LIKE IM ABOUT TO DIE FUCK MY JOB. IM NOT LETTING A DOG DIE

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I’m not sure if I answer all of these so I will

A, I would but I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want anyone hurt but I know that they would be hurt even more if I didn’t say anything so ??? 

B, I would spend it with people I love 

C, Yes. 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

ASFJHDS love.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

DIAMOND BY EXO AKSFDSJK

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

answered

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust & communication

77: How can I win your heart?

^^

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

We’re all a little mad.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

saying i love you

80: What size shoes do you wear?

11

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“we’ll love again we’ll laugh again and it’s better off this way”

82: What is your favourite word?

adventure idk why

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

well i think of andi but i also think abt him.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“FATHER SUE HIM/HER/THEM”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

mic drop

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

pastel colours & black and purple

87: What is your current desktop picture?

my twin, her fiance, my nephew, my boyfriend, my parents & myself lol

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

my sister’s stalker

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

I’m not sure lmao

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

I’d would be like “how thE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE, and u can stay if u want just don’t be a dick.” then i’d let them stay and i’d be the real mummy of the groUP IM SORRY

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

FLYING/TELEPORTATION

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

When I said i love you

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

what she did to me that night akfjhgjfdks

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

,,,baekhyun,,,,

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

BACK TO OSAKA TO SEE MY FAMILY 

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

my uncle

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

no

98: Ever been on a plane?

yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

answered but that i still love my boyfriend 🌷

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“How Am I Supposed To Sit On My Fat *ss And Do Nothing If There’s No Tribal Immunity?” - EPISODE 1

i wont say names bc if these get released at the end i know the psycho wont leave me alone but theres a certain someone that never leaves another certain someone alone and theyre actually so annoying and they look like a balding foot and if i have to be in the same tribe with them i will definitely end up fighting them

so...cole walking on day 1? because he didn't want to be in a game with Julia wow. I am shook to the core. 

1st off why are there 30 people here! 2nd off why are we all in a chat together! And 3rdly at least someone already took themselves out of the game. I didn't get last!!! I know setting the bar high. I'm very excited to play everyone is super nice and also I think my tribe is great. I got Sam and Liana on my tribe whom I played with during Atlantis. Sam and I were in an alliance but obviously it wasn't super tight...since I voted her off. But I love her dearly and hope we can work together again. Also excited for Liana because I always remember that she was good in challenges and she has already told me she won't want to throw any challenges this time. Haha. I already appreciate her so much. She is so sweet! Carson k is also on my tribe. Carson k is also a sweetheart and I'm sad that I didn't trust him much during Malibu and I hope that it can change here. Hopefully there is a survivor trivia challenge because he is so good with survivor trivia. Everyone else on the tribe seems really cool too as we aren't involved in the drama of the one world chat. Haha we have all of our members still and we are ready to win some challenges! #YouWishYouWereATasi also. Kait is here!!!! Omggggg I'm not ready. She messaged me last night and I was like oh god how do I talk to kait????? Like ugh ahhhh scared. No. Nothing against kait she just scares me! And I feel like she can tell....*gulp* but billy is also here and I love billy too. And Luke!!! Honestly so many amazing people who hopefully won't vote me off. Everyone in the community has been so supportive of me and has really helped relive some of the anxiety I've been having. But queen kait is here so I don't know how long it will last. 

what the fuck am i doing i don't even know if im making a confessional for the right game....like i'm in a 3 survivor games and  a big brother game and i've never wanted to kill myself more i was talkin with kait and i was like "omg i love karen!!" and KAREN ISN'T EVEN ON OUR FUCKING TRIBE. SHE'S DEADASS IN ANOTHER GAME. omg and this ninjohn bitch cracks me tf up so yeah thats about all i've done bye

tbh! what is going on in this game!!! The only people that I know and want to work with are Sam G, Dan, Amanda, Billy and Christine tbqh! I don't know anybody on my tribe except Billy so we're gonna be a cute duo. I think the twist is kind of fun, it's gonna make people need to be on their toes 24/7 and not get too comfortable hiding behind tribal wins because they just don't exist. Uh first boot from my tribe? Idk,...maybe me> maybe chrisssa? who knows!

On 3/6/17, at 9:54 PM, veronica [ hoenn host ] wrote: > how am i supposed to sit on my fat ass and do nothing like nicholas did if theres no tribe immunity >.> but also i really like the cast in this game and i know its gonna be lit this is like one of my fave survivors already and im in like 4 rn

set my soul on fire pls

YES MA'AM! This is Kelsey Mikaelson, representing BBCAN and Vampire Diaries, checking into Mariana Trench Survivor, is you good? Is you happy? Because I's wants to know, ok. Entering this competition was a quick shock. The tribe I was on is very friendly and we all got along quick and I'm living, I seem to get along well. Obviously, I'm the loud one, but I think that overall, I'm not too much which is good! You know what is too much though? Literally both other tribes OTHER than Tasi. Seeing how crazy they are during the One World makes us seem a lot more mellow which makes me seem a lot more quiet which is absolutely a great factor for my game.  Anyways, next twist: triple elimination each week. Girl...I came here for a fresh new game that would be welcoming to newbies. This is literally death. I'm literally dead. *sigh*...Whatever. There are people in my tribe I've clicked with early on. Carson, Liana, Sam, Shea and Seamus have all been rather nice to me. However, one person that I have definitely gotten along with thus far is Lilly. She's so explosive and she's also so logical in everything she tells me, she's a great counterpart to me in this competition. I would say I trust Lilly the most, yes, I would. And going into this first tribal, I'm interested to see how our relationship will translate into gameplay. Hopefully, in a positive way~! Now to the challenge...I want to remain a team player, an innocent virgin, an airhead with  nothing but loyalty with everyone. I don't want to manipulate, I want to slay. So, I'm going to put a rather safe score for myself. As long as I'm not on the bottom end of the powers, I'm fine. I just hope that this first tribal doesn't eat me alive...against my gut instinct, I'm not bringing strategy up for these first days. I just hope that people actually come to me like I'm expecting...otherwise, I gotta start making them moves, mama! Wish me the best of luck! From Canada with Love, -The ORIGINAL...Kelsey Mikaelson, muah!

I'm so nervous. I feel like knowing that you're going to tribal no matter what makes this all more nerve wracking. I'm trying to feel out who people want to go and what they want to do without making anyone feel like I'm jumping the gun or being too forward. Plus I think Darian is probably gunning for me, since I know he doesn't like me. I really don't wanna be first to go, but I feel like it's too risky to just immediately go after him. I'm hoping someone is inactive or will give us a reason to vote them out so that this first one is an easy one. 

http://youtu.be/PTJUoasIy_Y

...moments later

If i learned anything from Rakiura, it's that I need to make a list or something of peoples' point values and possible advantages since people will forget about them come merge and then the person with all the advantages will win the season. :)

I'll call them out!

https://youtu.be/gK_YU4BaKyc

WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN MY TRIBE 

So like this is a weird position to be in. I like everyone on my tribe????? Like how the fuck am I supposed to vote one of these hoes out when I like them? I'm clearly the prettiest, but like I love them all. This is a tragedy because if it was a normal damn game, I would be able to slay with my tribe. My plan so far is to just be super social and find the majority. I don't know how to play one world because usually the world revolves around me so. 

So this season hasn't been that exciting at all so far for our tribe due to Cole's, not surprising, quit. I want to try harder than the last few skype/Tumblr games I've played since I definitely was inactive in the last few. I'm trying to socialize and need to expand my social surroundings since I haven't approached many yet. I have been talking to Luke however but he's terrible at responding. I don't mind if you're busy and can't respond quickly but when you message in the main chat and have the online symbol by your name you might want to respond back to a tribemate. That doesn't bode well for track records. 

Things are weird. What do I do. Who do I talk to. Where am I. Okay now that I've gotten that off my chest I just tribes are weird. We aren't even really a tribe. I know we will have to just keep voting people off of our tribe. So what do we do? I have no leads. Except I kinda want a girls alliance so I would prefer a guy out this week just to play it safe. I feel like I could talk to Liana and Sam about this but also nervous. Idk. I'll do something soon but this is a lot to process. I also hope that not too many voting things will affect tribal. I'm not ready for it. That is all. Good day. 

Hello!!! Alright so this first week has just been....a mess. Like, y'all really put me in a group with 30 people...with one world in play...I'm gonna go insane. Although it's not entirely a bad thing. I have my Queens Kait and Jenn to keep me sane. I had Cole......for like 2 hours until he left WHICH I'M STILL BITTER ABOUT. I love him so much it's not even funny. Anyways for the people on my tribe, I absolutely adore Dan so I can definitely see us working together. Sam G. is here as well and WHEW. A Queen. I love her so much. If I had a dream alliance within this tribe it'd probably be Dan, Sam, Kelsey, Lily, Carson and myself. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to Seamus or Liana and trying to start a conversation with Shea is a bit like pulling teeth so far so...yeah, that's how things are looking right about now I'm so scared for this tribal cause I don't know what to expect??? Like I probably should've just went all in for immunity but I didn't cause I didn't wanna go overboard...so much for that huh. Wish me luck for now I guess!

...30 minutes later...

I'm screaming apparently Shea's already brought my name up to people but suddenly changed it to Carson when I started talking to them??? Something smells fishy here and I'm not here for it. I've got my eye on Shea, that's for sure. In all honesty I'd rather target Shea than Carson cause Carson's actually chill while Shea's probably gonna get a little messy along the way which makes me nervous but Dan trusts him for now so I guess I just gotta go with the flow for now...

Hi Ricky! Super excited to be safe this round, just gotta sit here and look cute!

the furrys are on the prowl, yiff yiff. there are quite a few furrys in this game lmao. so basically on my tribe i really like veronica and am teaming with her. shea really likes me and veronica so we r gonna try and work with them. i think i want to vote for sam this round bc like i like everyone else and the noobs in our tribe seem kinda easy to push around so im excited!

My tribe is so BORINGGGGG tbh no one talks in the chat anyways here's an analysis i promised Ricky <3 When something more happens youll get more out of me but literally nothings going on OH I HAVE AN ALLIANCE WITH DAN AND LUKE BUT YOU BUT US ALL ON DIFFERENT TRIBES WHICH IS GROSS The end. heres my analysis of my tribe woo Andie - Love him we've been friends for a while and he wants to work together so thats cute af Daisy - Super nice we've talked quite a bit so far. I like her Darian - He seems super nice to me and we talked a bit but ive heard he's a shitshow and ive been warned so i know to tread lightly Emma - I'm not gonna like when i saw Emma was on my tribe I was about to beat someones ass because I felt like she hated my guts last time i was around her and it was a rough experience but she like came to me and apologized and shit saying she was having a rough time and idk if that was just to cover her ass for this game or what but im gonna forgive but not forget at this point...or at least until swap/merge lmao Kait - i fucking love Kait she's super straight to the point which is great when everyone else sugar coats the hell out of everything. We seem to work well in PI so here's to hoping it works out this time and we can be a dynamic duo lolol Rhea - Last Week in another game she said she didnt like playing with me and my friends...im not really with my close friends in this game so idk if itll be different but like we've played together a ton and i dont think we ever worked together. She's the nicest person in the world but we like never click together so i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted my ass gone Rob - I dont think we've talked? oops lmfao Sam R. - Hes so chill. We played Myanmar together and we worked together while also targeting eachother? it was so fucking complicated ahahaha but i love him as a person so i hope we're okay in this game??? idk yet tbh Steven - We've talked a bit in the past. He's chill but we arent super close. I dont think he'd target me though so thats a plus

Wooo! I guess taking -10,030 points was worth it! I won immunity from the raffle and I also have the 30% advantage! Couldn't be more happy about the outcome of this challenge. I honeslty don't know who to vote for and I sure as hell won't be scrambling. I know it's not me and that's all I care about 

i am gad we were safe week 1 thanks to Cole quitting again it's insane that he did that but i am glad it gave us safety this week. I hope i can stay longer because immunity wins aren't relying on everyone to win together so if i am bad they won't think i am a threat..

well! tasi WAS peaceful, until little shea decided to target me ONCE again in a game. id like to see him try, because i am NOT going premerge. and, if i have anything to say about it, his ass is GRASS!

So, everyone this tribal has said they are voting Carson, which I have no problems with. I feel like the blame is being put on me for this vote which I don't want. If people flip and I go home, so be it. 

Daisy seems to be the first target and I don't want her to leave. I'm going to see if we can get the votes back on Amanda.

.

http://prntscr.com/ehnjlj

So, tonight is making me super nervous and I don't know what to do.... I feel like this twist fucks me and that's not good. I have played sooo many PI seasons that  I feel like I am an easy target. Also this one world twist is legit making this game THAT much harder and I honestly don't like this shit. I don't know what the fuck I am going to do, and it sucks  so much. I feel like I am a mess and it sucks more so than anything. I just want to make it past this tribal, and I am not sure that I willl. 

Whew I need to write a confessional but also I'm watching Survivor! I am really nervous for this vote! Everyone has been so quiet and I haven't talked to that many people. The plan is supposed to be for Carson. Lily, Liana, Dan, Christine, and I were supposed to create an alliance but we haven't. I'm hoping we will later and no one is actually trying to vote me out. Seamus did say  'Christine or Sam' but he meant Carson? Okay sure hopefully he did! 

Sooo, this has been a wild round, and im not even gonna get into the cole thing other than to say, I'm glad you and your negative bitch ass is gone, and maybe come for me with more accurate shit next time :))). But since this "lovely" soul quit, I didn't have to go to tribal, and I also beat him AHAHAH. BUT I've been chit-chatting with Gabriel alot and I love Gabriel they are soooo chill tbh. And I also am kinda lucky since I know so many people know this season whew. Okay bye

[survivor-albania]

EPISODE 1: I never meant for this to happen... (Isaac)

Isaac

I never meant for this to happen when I created Supreme with Sam

Carson

well well well... the game has BEGUN! and as far as i can see? my tribe is iconic. but you know what isn't iconic? one world. i have my targets set in stone already.... so they better watch out, because carson's not afraid to strike.

Jordan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94dhy3yPjIc 

You gave me a tribe full of amazing people We got the minion fucker (Karen)- 

 The Furry (Jay)-

 and the Garlic Bread lover (lily)

Logan

I can't wait for me and connor to hate each other after this game! It's probably inevitable! Here we go kids

Liana

My tribe won't talk to me or give me suggestions for the flag so I'm sitting here like:

I hate my tribe so much. The plus side if we go to tribal they can't vote me out because I'm putting the most work into the damn thing. 

Alex P.

ugh yes @ the fact all of the people i know in this game are all on a tribe together and im not on it, ugh yes @ the fact one of my tribe members is going on vacation for the next 4 days, ugh yes @ the fact the first challenge is a shield making challenge and i can draw as well as my 5 year old sister

Punpun

i'm tired of living and these confessionals are extra.

Alex P.

why?? does nobody??? on my tribe talk???? why????? am i?????? the only one to do immunity??????? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsvnQc12S9Y

Jordan

I am very worried that someone has found the idol already because i want it. I feel like someone like Punpun Drew or Quinn has it but idk. 

If my tribe loses im going to be so sad because im going to target karen because i dont know how much i can trust her this game.

Rhone

hey bitches. so i've had a decent start in this game!! i like my tribe just fine and we did really well in the challenge bc i'm the queen of creative challenges tbqh. it's always nice to not have to scramble on the very first tribal. i do feel bad for the sandana tribe though especially since there's like a 75% chance that someone i know/could work with is gonna go home (kait, billy and punpun). so i kind of hope it ends up being logan getting voted out even though i like her a lot, we've just never played together before so yeah. i'm gonna talk to punpun today and try to get some tea about what's going on on that tribe. i've gone hunting for the idol a couple times but haven't found it, honslee i'm like 95% sure there's a big alliance already and they systematically went through all the combinations on the first night so one of them could find the idol...or maybe i'm just a paranoid [redacted]! survivor truly brings out the worst in me i'm so excited to have to go to tribal council and transform like a sailor scout into a petty bitch!! also super excited for the inevitable jalvin swap to 3 tribes of 6 after the tribal after this one! why am i psychic? why am i so iconic? stay tuned to find out!

Lily

I'm really glad that our tribe got immunity for the shield challenge, though I'm a bit upset that I didn't get to work on it thanks to shitty internet on my computer at the time. I actually really excel at these kinds of challenges, and I've won immunity in both Polynesia and (Storybook) Arrakis when I handled the flag designs. But I'm really proud of Karen!!! PS: HAPPY MCFUCKING BIRTHDAY PIPPA I LOV U

Ryan

Ok well this game is interesting I'll tell you that. The five tribes breakdown seems like something I would do, and I am insane. But I like it! I've never played a season that was unafraid to do bold things like this so I am excited! Throw crazy twists at me I love it! Then I met the cast. They never shut up. That one world chat is the worst thing I have ever been a part of. I quickly realized my strategy in this game would be to lay low and just make good one on one connections. There are so many previous relationships and feuds that I plan to let people fight it out and let me skate through. I have really good relationships on my tribe though. I am pretty good friends with Ricky and we align every game together, and we are always true to that and I 100% plan to stick with him. Rhone also has a positive vibe with me so that's cool. And Quinn is as inactive as they come so hopefully if we lose on this tribe she goes.

Carson

its pippas BIRTHDAY!

Ricky

ANYWAY. I'm still in a stable mental state bc Samantha Gaglio isn't here to throw me into an existential crisis and that's a win in my book

Brandon

so this is my first confessional. oh wow. we um won? i don't really know anyone on our tribe besides Liana who has voted me out 399895489549458 times. but i say the past is in the past. (2 weeks later) dies  

Liana

I'm a flop and keep meaning to record a video confessional but that's not happening today so let me catch you up on what's happening even though I'm probably the least interesting person because I'm not even going to tribal. Basically I've been having people approach me and rant to me about Ricky since I've been so open about my disgust with him. It's awesome. Jay was the first to do so because Kait and Ricky are so annoying in the tribe chat. That's when I decided to tell him about this idol I found. I also told Billy about it, but I think I'd like playing with Jay more because he's more active and such. Brandon then later ranted me about Ricky which is great because I thought things were so awkward between us because I literally always vote him out in every game we've played together (at least 2 or 3). We were able to finally find common ground and have less awkward conversations (way to go, Miss Rickens). I haven't made anything official yet but I think some sort of alliance could happen and maybe, just maybe, I could secure numbers against the Ricky squad. As much as I hate keeping him around, it'd probably be better to vote someone off like Kait because Ricky will get medevac'd anyway. Although, once ricky's gone, Karen's more of a free agent. Look at me, I'm so obsessed, but hey, this is how zootopia started and that went pretty well for me (even with finding an idol! The similarities are endless!) idk if there's a wiki yet so I literally have no idea who's going to tribal tonight or if my friends are in trouble, I guess I'll see. I really hope we go to tribal soon because Connor is on vacation and it'd be easier to get numbers against him when he literally won't work with me. I'm not sure how close Alex is to him so I'm afraid to bring his name up otherwise. Brandon says he's totally with me. Maybe y'all won't be dark-sided like Hawaii and actually have a tribe swap in case I can't vote Connor out soon. I'm trying to find a second idol too so that'd be cool.

Drew

Wait what the FUCK is that Who Are You video doing here, I'm crying.... ANYWAY This season is gonna be ugly??? Like I guess five tribes is better than seven but like???? 4-person tribes are so sinful. I'm thanking Jesus for Carson who I hope will play with me so I'll be okay in a vote? Isaac and I have never been super close but I'll see what can be done to work with him so nothing ties this first vote, if we come to a vote, because like idk this Alex kid, he's not around. He doesn't talk, and when he does it's to say he'll try the shield and then four hours later nothing worked out so he has nothing? Bye. Ugh I'm not ready for this shit...

Punpun

This game is already testing me. I have to choose whether to backstab my new friend logan who I enjoy, or ruin my game with kait and billy and probably get rocked out.

Jay

Um we won immunity and I love my tribe I hope Kait leaves tonight bye :)

Kait

Um I'm throwing hands if I get voted out. I don't like anyone on my tribe. It's a rig.

Billy

Whew so Pun is scared on me backstabbing them. But like I'm not going to so idk what to do. I'm. Going. To. Fucking. Scream. Kait dropped the ball on this competition so Logan and Punpun are gonna vote ME out? I'm gonna be the first boot. This... this has never happened to me before...

Connor

idk whats going on

(Logan walked from the game)

[faejilly]

Not to be suddenly serious on your completely justified salt re: Jace -> my salt was bc s1 Jace was insufferable and frustrating!! Every time I really truly wanted to let it go or maybe cut him some slack bc I'm not entirely unsympathetic to him, he somehow managed to double down on his bs :/ Like I was willing to move on from him acting pissy when werewolves took Clary and the infamous 'maybe your mom..." in 1x05, but he, no, he dropped "yes, you did. you lost her" when Alec said he didn't do

anything Jace hadn't done before. What is worse this shit was followed by his entitled self-righteous behavior in 1x06 like you don't get to treat Alec crappy and then demand his help and act as if he's supposed to simply come around (unpopular opinion but I don't like their scene at the end of 1x06). And this is only one example! Thus, I'm like Alec's punches, verbal and actual ones alike, were lethal and brutal and I'm not unsympathetic to Jace but his stupid dumb ass had it coming

[re: this post]

I mean

I agreed with your salt the first time nonny, but

Like

The show tells us that Jace loves Alec and would die for him. It tells us that he’s a good Shadowhunter, an excellent fighter and a valued soldier. That means that for everyone to believe such things (and they clearly do), historically he gets the job done, values the parabatai bond itself (we see that he was the one who pushed for it, in fact) and regularly protects Alec to the best of his ability. The show explicitly tells us all these things, makes it clear that’s how everyone else views their relationship, that that past is both well-known and well-supported by the other characters’ behavior.

Does the show actually show us any of that beyond a few brief moments in s1? No. But. It’s not, on a technical level, a very good show. It frequently says one thing and shows something else and clearly never notices the disconnect.

SO

This means, if we’re stupidly invested in the characters (like I am, obviously) we need to look at the show and decide what we think canon was trying to say, whether that’s actually what it said or not.

Where does that leave us with Jace?

You can absolutely look at canon and decide Jace is a spoiled asshole who they’d mostly be better off without. (Obviously that’s not where I ended up, but you do you, darlings. It’s ok to hate the fictional character, god knows there are a ton of them I think their assorted media would be better without.)

Is he a con artist who wants to be thought of as a good man and has somehow fooled the entire NY Institute with his charm and ability to kill things? (Jace would say yes, he has several moments where he refers to himself as irredeemable, or monstrous, or dark, or useless. He believes he’s a terrible person.) This is, tbqh, supported by a lot of his behavior towards Alec, he’s lashing out and cruel and dismissive in a way that is very hard to watch, and doesn’t seem to actually have much to do with Clary at all, even though she’s positioned as the reason for this behavior. (I think, instead, she is, as usual, the catalyst for change rather than the cause.)

But Alec and Izzy clearly adore him, and they’re not generally tolerant of cruelty.

So what the fuck is he doing?

Jace was an abused child, who’s still very young, and is aggressively against any sort of self-assessment or self-reflection, because he’s sure if he looks too closely he’s going to see that he’s a monster, that his father broke him, that there’s no coming back from that. (And in some ways, he’s right, he’ll never know what it’s like to be a person who wasn’t abused, and for as long as he tries to pretend it doesn’t matter, he’s never going to be able to set it aside.) So he doesn’t, on any deep level, know who he is. He relies on other people to define himself. (He relies on Alec, and then Izzy, and then the rest of the Lightwoods, and after that maybe everyone else, but clearly they’re not that important.)

I think, based on how angry he is when Simon tries to call out his behavior towards Alec, how confused he is when Alec isn’t just always there at his shoulder for whatever insanity he’s trying to do next, Jace’s entire life is framed around an idealized version of Alec as his center.

He doesn’t really relate to Alec as a person. Alec is his proof of humanity. Alec is his parabatai, they share souls, Alec is the reason Jace isn’t entirely a monster.

Just mostly.

Now, Jace knows Alec is gay. Jace cannot deal with that fact, because Shadowhunters are not allowed to be gay. Jace seems aware of this in a way that Isabelle isn’t, seems aware that if Alec is forced out of the closet that he could lose his brother, his anchor, his soul-bond.

And I like to think it’s because of Michael Wayland.

The show never addresses this, but the books do, and we know everyone making the show read the books, so. We have Jace, who knows his “father” was Robert’s parabatai, (that’s why he got sent to the Lightwoods after his father’s death, after all) and also that, despite being parabatai, they weren’t together anymore. Their bond was so weak Robert didn’t even know when Michael died. (He can’t have, or Valentine’s masquerade never would’ve worked.) It’s not an entirely unreasonable leap to assume Jace would’ve wanted to know why, how such a thing happened to a literal soul-bond... and that he found out that Michael was gay, and that was probably why he’d been “exiled” away to his estate. Whether Michael self-exiled to get away from Robert’s reaction, or Robert discreetly ‘encouraged’ him to get away from The Clave kind of doesn’t matter... the end result was that Jace was alone in the Wayland Estate (with a monstrous father) for the first ten years of his life, and he can’t let that happen again, not to himself, and not to Alec.

(Is this in canon anywhere? No, but it fits, and I like it, so.)

If Alec admits he’s gay, Jace will lose him. So Jace can’t let him do that. Which means he clearly can’t ever address Alec’s infatuation with him, either. Which means a lot of conversations about emotions or friendship or personal beliefs can’t be had, because Jace is always almost as much on guard against Alec’s secrets as Alec is, and every time they don’t talk about any of the things they know about each other, that’s another layer of armor between them and the truth (and a better relationship).

But that’s ok with Jace because he’s doing it for Alec. (Whether it seems like that to Alec himself or not.) Alec is the one who made sure the Lightwoods were Jace’s family, not just a place to stay. Alec saved him, from his father, from his past, from a future where he never did anything right.

There’s a line when they’re outside the City of Bones, when Alec is asking Jace why this girl? and Jace says something about Lightwoods take in strays, don’t they? And he is so clearly trying to be a Lightwood, (not just Jace Wayland), trying to do for Clary what Alec did for him, making that behavior an explicit compliment to Alec. (I am being like you.)

And instead of affirming that, yes you’re a Lightwood, yes you’re doing the right thing, yes you’re saving someone, I’m so proud of you, Alec says you’re nothing like her.

Now, Alec says “you were never a stray” because protecting Jace & Izzy is important enough to him that he’s afraid of protecting Clary, because it’s going to put Jace & Izzy in danger. He’s saying you’re better than her, you’re more important to me.

But what Jace hears is you’re not doing the same thing, you’re not doing the right thing, you’re not like me.

And for all there’d been sniping and aggravation earlier, for all Jace met Clary and went ooooh, shiny, and made a whole slew of reckless decisions, I really believe that that moment outside the City of Bones is when their relationship broke. (Which makes the fact that the physical conflict in their relationship breaks free outside the City of Bones as well several episodes later surprisingly poetic.)

So now, for the first time, Alec disagrees with Jace, and Jace can tell he’s serious about it... and Jace thinks he’s wrong. And Jace doesn’t know what to do with that. (If Alec is an ideal rather than a person, than Alec can’t do anything wrong, and Alec going along with all of Jace & Izzy’s shenanigans must mean they weren’t that wrong either, not that Alec is too over-protective and has massive issues regarding responsibility and self-esteem and personal value.)

When someone falls off the pedestal you’ve put them on, it’s only human nature to blame them for failing you, rather than realize that pedestal wasn’t fair and you’re the one who put them up there, and pushed them off again when they couldn’t meet your impossible expectations. So Jace lashes out, because how dare you, the only person I could trust and respect unconditionally, be wrong!

Which is egregiously unfair, so I agree, he deserved Alec practically trying to kill him, though it’s obviously horrifying that that’s how far it had to go for him to realize what he was doing.

But it’s not surprising, both because of his inability to look at himself and that pedestal he’s got Alec on... it would take something cataclysmic to break through both those mindsets.Which is why it took Clary breaking the entire Shadow World to also break their issues out into the open. They were both too well-guarded to do it themselves.